Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
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*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Living the best life.. 😊
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
