Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.