Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
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He a real one for that
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.