Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
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[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue