Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

*seductively peels off lederhosen

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”