Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

Ugh

It was worth a shot 😂

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

The Weeknd is back

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.