Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.