Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
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Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Meow
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation