Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.