@AbbieEvansXO

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

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@English_Channel

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

@tennisonok

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

@StorybookBlonde

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

@lgbk44

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

@AaronFullerton

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

@ddsmidt

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

@PinkCamoTO

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

@JoshKnightComic

Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool?
Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.