Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
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Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
A friend sent me this.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.