Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

my sentiments exactly

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.