Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

Matthew was born for this.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

seriously you guys

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

#Thanos #MondayMood

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.