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Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot


Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it


“What’s a good gift for someone who has everything?”

Meth. Next year they’ll have nothing it’ll be easier.


Started to feel bad about my life but just saw a bumper sticker that said “I Love My Grand-dog” and I think l’m going to be ok.


Good cop: We got you red-handed!

Weatherman cop: Well there’s a 70% chance of guilt but I’d go ahead and make weekend plans


Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*


16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.


5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?



5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.


what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise


Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.