When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
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Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I’m having an out of money experience.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually