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@dadnceli

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

@david8hughes

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

@OutrageousM

“What’s a good gift for someone who has everything?”

Meth. Next year they’ll have nothing it’ll be easier.

@TweetingDadGuy

Started to feel bad about my life but just saw a bumper sticker that said “I Love My Grand-dog” and I think l’m going to be ok.

@Sickayduh

Good cop: We got you red-handed!

Weatherman cop: Well there’s a 70% chance of guilt but I’d go ahead and make weekend plans

@ddsmidt

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

@tonygootana

16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.

@dadmann_walking

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

@iamspacegirl

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

@TravLeBlanc

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.