Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

I was up all night reading about insomnia

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

This is amazing.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.