Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
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[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
shit just got real
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.