penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
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The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
The devil.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.