penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
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*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
greetings!
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
#JohnTravolta
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.