penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
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Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
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I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.