Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
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The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him