Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER