“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
You Might Also Like
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again