“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
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If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Ugh
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*