Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

oppen heimer style lol

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

Twitter remains undefeated

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything