“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
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The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Free him
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*