Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

Google reviews are always so mixed..

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

he’s doing your taxes

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

Already got one

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.