penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
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me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice