penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
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My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Always 🥴
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”