penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

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Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.


Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard…..

Pillow fight


GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi


[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito


God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.


If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.


[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.


You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.


Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.


me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”