@prufrockluvsong

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

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@grimpossible

Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

@SassyTxGirl83

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard…..

Pillow fight

@MarfSalvador

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

@murrman5

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

@notalogin

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

@vultural

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

@DurtMcHurtt

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

@JD_KC

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

@AlexRogaski

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

@weenbeans

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*