Penguins walking in 5x speed
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8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I am all good here, 😂😉
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁