Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.