Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

I can fix him.

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book