Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
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I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
This is no longer winter this is harassment
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.