Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
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EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse