Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again