Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
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Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
New nose
