Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
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How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Toxic snake
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
