Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar