Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
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Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
…u ok Nintendo?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Current mood: Potato
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car