Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
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“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
🍞🦆
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”