Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
You Might Also Like
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!