Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.