People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
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*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
bro what is going on at twitter
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”