People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

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Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.


Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right


1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh


Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?


“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”


Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.


Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.


Which sadist decided to make the packaging around Band-Aids so difficult to open, considering you’re usually bleeding when you need one?


And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end