People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
