People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I didn’t realize that was an option
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
