People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
