People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
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God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
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my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie