People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
You Might Also Like
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now