People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
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[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”