People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
You Might Also Like
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.