people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
