people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
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I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
*seductively corrects your posture*
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
