people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
