Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude