Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

you’re damn right i have

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Basketball

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.