Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

🤨

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.