Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

No one:

London landlords:

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me