People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
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My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *