People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
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Start the year as you intend to continue.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Saturday
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
lmao
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?