People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
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her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Happy Halloween 🎃
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.