People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
You Might Also Like
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Mountain Goat : )
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
good work, detective
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however