People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
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I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
i meant to share this earlier
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
That’s incredible! 👌
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*