People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
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If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy