Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

Seems kinda suspicious