People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good