People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water