Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.