People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life