People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
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A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Is your wife single?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..