People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
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Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”
He’s going to be just fine
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Bike is short for Bichael.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Why? Just why? 😂
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
