People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
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My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
describing stardew valley
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Social Media and Real life
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.