People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
No chill.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target