Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

Just did a big green poo by a canal

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

cry laughing at this shit

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit